Thursday, December 18, 2014

I make no apologies for the way I am!

Sometimes we let ourselves get overwhelmed or underwhelmed for no reason. 
Sometimes our search for “something” ends up being the bane of our existence. 
That missing element in our lives that we all say is missing. 
We either had it, lost it, or began a manhunt for it. 
Maybe never had it, need to find it, so set out on a journey to look for it. 
Maybe it’s still within us, but we forgot where we placed it in our heart, soul or mind. 
We all want to create a perfect time capsule for our life. So that it serves as reminder of the life we live, lived and will leave behind. 
But there is always a hiatus for a number of reasons – work/life/stress/defeatism/self-consciousness/a stupid need for perfection. 
Wasted moments, inspirations, and thoughts. Wasted time searching to make it all perfect and make it all add up, we start living a lie daily. 
We don’t want to be somewhere but we force ourselves to be there. 
We don’t like a certain person but we tolerate them. 
We feel sorry for someone, sometimes compassion is painful. 
When all we need is a swift kick in the ass, to bring reality back in check.
When I look into the subdued eyes of people. 
I realise that so many of us resign ourselves to certain situations; we make compromises, we change into people we don’t particularly like. Every few years, I need a reminder of who I am and where I come from. Certain conversations or happenings make me revisit where I am currently. 

I realised this in the car this morning. Chatting about where we are and what have we given up to be here? Maybe all we need as people is some space to take a breath and look inwardly at ourselves. Actually over the last few weeks I have been looking inwardly at myself. I know what I lost this year, and what I gained. 

“This is one of the things I’m afraid of. The agonies, the mad midnight moments, must, in the course of nature, die away. But what will follow? Just this apathy, this dead flatness? Will there comes a time when I no longer ask why the world is like a mean street, because I shall take the squalor as normal. Does grief finally subside into boredom tinged by faint nausea?” – 
“A Grief Observed,” by C.S. Lewis 

We have one life, we waste it worrying about how people feel about us, and we curb our tongues so as not to rock the boat. We try to squeeze ourselves into this mould of how we should be. We want to be individuals, authentic yet we live to conform to the norms of society. We want to be accepted so badly, that we transform every facet of ourselves in order to fit in. 

We end up living a split life in supreme confusion. We find muses along the way, something to latch onto. We try so very hard to connect with others in our human tribe that we forget who we are and what we stand for. 

Steve Jobs said, “Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma – which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of other’s opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.” 

So today I say #$#@ trying to fit in, @#$@ self-censorship. I’ve found a few people who relate to my various crazy thoughts, who help me through my hindrances’. My falls in life is unique to me, but I am grateful for that. I am the unhappiest when I’m not creating something; gain the most clarity when I do. I don’t have an amazing figure or a flat stomach. Yes I Love Food. I have curves. I have more fat in areas than I should. I will not forgo taking another helping just because someone says “oh I am careful what I eat”. I am never going to be a model on FTV, so excuse me for not living on coffee and a pack of cigarettes. I have scars because I have a history. Some people love me, some like me, some hate me. I have done good and I have done bad. I don’t like loads of make-up and can go without it. I’m random and crazy. I DO have an opinion. I DO put up status messages, when I am upset. It’s my platform, if you don’t like it, get off it. I don’t pretend to be someone I’m not even though some might think I have a public face and a private face. Maybe I do, mine to deal with. 

This is my life, and I am ultimately responsible for how I live it. Yes, external circumstances, people and events have an impact on me… but I can choose how to respond. I choose to get up a little earlier in the morning to work on something I am passionate about. Or I can choose to sleep in. Yes I talk to my dog. Call me a “dog whisper” – I don’t need you to know why I do it. Maybe you not meant to know. I may not be as friendly and welcoming as you want me to be. Maybe I am a bit more cautious in life simply from experiences. I express my joy, excitement and glee differently. I actually don’t like a lot of busyness and hype. I like peace and quiet. I don’t like screaming and shouting – it makes my head spin …. Maybe it works for others, but it definitely doesn’t work for me I hate conflict. 

I am who I am, you can love me or not. I won’t change! And if I love you, I do it with all my heart!! I make no apologies for the way I am. I AM ME! I am discovering my destiny and walk on the path. How do you do it? 

Most people make New Year’s resolution. I reflect upon the past year and work on improving myself, not resolution, just realigning and refocussing. 

“I hope you will have a wonderful year, that you’ll dream dangerously and outrageously, that you’ll make something that didn’t exist before you made it, that you will be loved and that you will be liked, and that you will have people to love and to like in return. And, most importantly (because I think there should be more kindness and more wisdom in the world right now), that you will, when you need to be, be wise, and that you will always be kind.” — Neil Gaiman