Saturday, August 16, 2014

"Its not you . . . its me!"

How many times have you heard this line "it's not you, it's me"?
I know I have, we take it personally or with a pinch of salt. Have you ever asked the person what they mean, or what exactly are they saying to you. Have you ever used that line on someone, and what did you mean by it? "It's not you, it's me" cliché has become an overkill. A person who has shut down or cannot communicate any more uses this line to ease the pain of the truth. It’s used when a person decides to take responsibility for their inability to please another person.
The sentiment is that a person’s feelings, emotions, wants, needs has changed and has nothing to do with you It’s out of your control; it’s basically an offer for you to walk away without any self-doubt, guilt or blame, so why doesn't it feel that way when it happens?
You end up demanding an explanation or you just look at the person in utter disgust.
This is what I would say but this actually came from either a movie or a series. But I remember laughing when I heard this.
Her: I am lost; I thought things were working out between us? What did I do?
Him: It's not you, it's me.
Her: You're giving me the "it's not you, it's me" line? I invented "it's not you, it's me". Nobody tells me it's them not me. If it's anybody, it's me.
Him All right, it's you. Her: You're *damn* right it's me.
This just conveys what every one of us thinks when we hear that line.
Relationships involve such an investment of ourselves that it's hard to see ourselves as anything but a negative reflection. Am I not funny enough, sexy enough, interesting enough for this person, why don’t they want to stay in a relationship with you?
So they take the blame because it's easier for them not to slap you with the truth, but that truth is clear: it's definitely something wrong with you that's making him/her want out of the relationship. But is that right? Maybe it’s really a dead end relationship. You really aren't compatible, and this person is the first to recognize it and decides to move on. Although you might be tempted to analyse this to death, this might just be the truth, simple and straightforward. When two people aren't syncing, sooner or later one of them's going to figure it out and decide to do something about it. All of a sudden you hit with a thunderbolt. But when the dust settles you realise they were right, and you just didn’t figure it out first. you shrug it off -- not your fault you weren't a fit -- and get on with your life. On the other hand, if you knew you weren't compatible but were still trying to make it work anyway, you really can't blame the other person for deciding enough is enough and moving on. There's no law that says two people who aren't a good fit have to keep ploughing away at arid land.
You could also be content and happy, thinking that everything is moving along just fine. You're living in a bubble of love and all it takes is one prick, your heart hits the floor, you hate this person as if they killed your dog. You are still in love and want it to work. You're feeling 1,000 emotions at this point, and none of it is pretty, we've all been there.
Then there’s reality of the “its not you ... it’s me” line could really be YOU -- when you analyze the words that were used during their departure, you find yourself playing a dangerous game. No matter what they say, heartache is torture regardless. Maybe he/she really didn’t like the crocs you insisted on wearing daily, but couldn’t tell you because it would hurt your feelings. Maybe you truly had become sarcastic and ugly towards him/her, and they reached the end of the road. Maybe your personality needs adjusting and you in denial. We also often get stuck in a comfort zone that we mislabel as love or happiness.
Or maybe the person is a jackass, and it’s really not you and definitely him/her then it definitely is a copout. Don't expect an explanation to bring you closure. More often than not, the explanation will piss you off when you first hear it. You might feel the need to defend yourself accept it.
This is an opportunity to learn don’t go after jackasses. And remember, it's not you, it's them.